Girl holding flowers near Westminster bridge to symbolise unconditional self-love

Many people will suffer from the feeling of worthlessness at some point in their lives. It can be due to a number of reasons, such as stressful life events, mental health conditions, or critical parents with sky-high expectations.

Even though my life looked pretty normal, I remember struggling with feelings of unworthiness - especially when I wasn’t meeting the expectations that were placed on me. Sometimes I’d feel like a fraud as if there was something deeply wrong with me.

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, but I had no idea how to get rid of it. I finally came to an idea that seemed sensible. If I was just perfect, then I would fit in. I would be free of my worries. I would be really happy.

The trap of Perfectionism

I set up various goals that would supposedly "raise" my self-perceived value in the eyes of the public. These goals included getting higher grades, getting into university, obtaining nicer clothes, losing weight and finding a boyfriend. Now looking back, these goals were superficial, but I really thought that it would finally make me feel “worthy” of respect from those around me.

Believe it or not, this line of thinking is not that uncommon. In fact, research shows that perfectionism is on the rise, with more and more young people feeling that others are extremely demanding of them and in turn, they become extremely demanding of themselves (Curran & Hill, 2019). Perfectionism is also associated with depression as perfectionists tend to base their self-worth on being successful and on the need to be actively working toward their goals (Sturman et al., 2009).

I call this “the trap of perfectionism” because while people put a lot of effort into meeting these societal demands, it doesn’t actually help with one's self-worth. It may provide a temporary boost of self-confidence, but what happens when something goes wrong? Let's say this person fails an exam, gains a couple of pounds, loses their job, or their relationship ends?

Are we only worthy of self-love when we are “achieving”?

In my opinion, one's self-worth should not depend on these factors, because we need it most when things are not going our way. Love and support is absolutely vital in those moments - from our loved ones, but most importantly from ourselves. I wish I’d known this when I was younger; instead, I used to give in to negative self-talk which would further fuel my feelings of shame and inadequacy.

True self-worth is unconditional

True self-worth is unconditional and has nothing to do with our: relationship status, looks, education, salary, career and all kinds of other life milestones. It does not disappear when we fail at something or have a bad day.

“Unconditional self-worth is simply the feeling that we deserve to be alive, to be loved, and cared for. Feeling that we deserve our place in this world.”

girl hugging her mirror image to symbolise self-love

Unconditional self-worth is simply the feeling that we deserve to be alive, to be loved, and cared for. Feeling that we deserve our place in this world.

Although it sounds simple, for many of us, it’s not easy to make this mindset shift. I used to think that if I "allowed" myself to feel good, I wouldn't be motivated to grow and improve. Some may think that loving ourselves is arrogant and others may have experienced trauma that made them seriously question their right to exist.

Like most things in life, cultivating unconditional self-worth is an ongoing practice. Here are four ways that helped me to feel more worthy over the years:

Forgiveness

Most people experience feelings of worthlessness because they are angry with themselves for their past mistakes. To forgive ourselves, we need to reflect on the circumstances that led to past mistakes, acknowledge the pain we experienced, and recognize what we’ve learned from this situation. Then say to ourselves “I forgive you” - in a kind manner as if we were talking to a close friend.

Acceptance

I think perfectionism is on the rise because we receive so many messages that we’re “flawed” in one way or another. We’re told to change our bodies, our clothes, our jobs or even our personalities to be acceptable. Many industries capitalise on such insecurities. To cultivate unconditional self-worth, it’s important to let go of what we think we “should” be. Instead, it’s better to focus on things that we like about ourselves. Through this acceptance, we’re acknowledging that we are worthy as we are.

Being there for yourself

When life becomes difficult, many of us have a tendency to fall back into the “trap of perfectionism” by blaming ourselves and activating negative self-talk. In these moments, it is very important not to neglect ourselves! Instead of beating yourself up, try placing your hand on your chest, hug, or say something kind and reassuring.

Connect with supportive people

Feelings of unworthiness can make people feel isolated and alone. When we think that we are deeply “flawed”, we tend to withdraw from our relationships, and this isolation further reinforces our negative feelings. Knowing that we are not alone in our struggles and pain reminds us that life challenges do not make us unworthy.

What are the benefits of having a strong sense of self-worth?

I believe that it makes our lives more enjoyable. It frees us from societal expectations, as meeting the demands of others has less influence on our perceived “worthiness”. Instead, we can start pursuing our goals and dreams that other people may not necessarily approve of.

A strong sense of self-worth allows us to take risks and be more flexible - even in the moments of failure, we don’t immediately lose ourselves. Contradictory to my old beliefs, a strong sense of self-worth is motivating, as we can operate from a place of growth, rather than a fear of not being good enough.

This blogpost was inspired by Dr. Adia Gooden’s TedTalk. See also our other articles on perfectionism.