10 Steps to Active Listening
Take the following practice into your next conversation today, or use it when you feel a friend is in need of a good ear. Keep the steps in mind all week and notice any differences in how your interactions feel.
Put away any distractions and devices. Focus all your attention on the other person and listen closely to really hear what they say; withhold judgement and don’t prepare a counterargument.
Make good eye contact but don’t stare. Try the 50:70 rule: maintain eye contact 50 percent of the time when speaking, and 70 percent of the time when listening.
Have an open posture – for example, don’t cross your arms but keep them relaxed while leaning slightly towards the other person at an angle (not full face on) perhaps tilting your head, all of which is what naturally happens when you’re engaged.
Mirror body postures and facial expressions very subtly. This reflects the other person’s emotions and can show that you empathize and understand their plight. Ensure this is subtle.
Stay in the moment and don’t jump ahead thinking about what you want to say next. Let their words sink in and give yourself time to process them before speaking.
Show that you are listening by making small verbal comments like yes or uh huh, or gently nodding appropriately.
Use words and phrases that encourage them to talk. Ask open questions (how, what, when) that need more than a yes/no answer, and paraphrase, summarise, and ask clarifying questions to avoid misunderstandings. This might sound something like this: “What I’m hearing is…”; “Sounds like you are saying…”; “What do you mean when you say…?”; “Is this what you mean?”.
Allow them to finish and try not to interrupt, and don’t jump in with your own story or example as this will shut the conversation down quickly and demonstrate you have stopped listening.
Don’t give in to the pressure to fill silences. The gaps give both of you time to process and think, and silence often is not as awkward as you think.
Follow their lead when it’s time for you to speak more. If they are encouraging you to speak then go ahead and ask more or share some options of how you can help, being mindful of their responses.
See our further advice and emotional awareness tips.