The number one key to a happy life: social fitness
Social fitness is a great concept that asks you to take stock of your relationships, how much time you’re devoting to them and whether you are tending to connections that help you thrive. In the same way that physical health is affected by what we engage in physically and nutritionally, happiness and wellbeing is affected by how many, who and how we connect to others in our ‘real’ lives.
We know, especially after a world pandemic, that loneliness makes us sad and depressed, and at risk of ill health. The statistics (1) are shocking:
Loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 26 percent
Lacking social connection can increase the risk of premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day
Having poor social connections is linked to a 29 percent increased risk of heart disease and a 32 percent increased risk of stroke
Chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50 percent in older adults
Loneliness and low social support are also associated with an increased risk of self-harm and suicide
So, it makes sense that the opposite of loneliness (social connection and support) is good for us and makes us happier. Research confirms this too is true.
The most consistent finding over 85 years of study is that positive relationships keep us healthier, happier, and live longer. Close relationships are what make people happy, more than money, fame, or exercise.
Here are some of the happiness research findings:
A supportive long marriage predicts a happy life (2)
Happiness is contagious. If you belong to a social network that has a general attitude of positivity and kindness, it will rub off on you. The company we keep influences our moods and behaviours (5)
In the influential ‘very happy people’ study, the most happy were very social and although not one variable was sufficient for happiness, social relations were absolutely necessary (3)
People who have one or more close friendships are the happiest (5)
People with few social ties are 2 to 3 times more likely to suffer from depression, compared to those with stronger social bonds (5)
People with strong healthy relationships are less likely to feel stressed by challenging situations (5)
Social network vs. social support
Yes, we are more connected now through social media to many people, but sadly the quality of our connections is deteriorating. It seems we are losing our ability to establish deep and meaningful relationships with others. Your social network is the amount of people you are connected to, but it is not the same as the real-life social support you give and receive. Social support has more to do with the quality of friends and acquaintances and how often you have a ‘real and live’ in-person connection with them. Social fitness is about dedicating more time and energy to developing this.
The kinds of social support you need to be happy
Emotional Support: You need to feel assured that you have people in your corner that will always back you, nurture you and encourage your growth. This involves trust, love, intimacy, and affection.
Tangible support: That you have those you can call on for practical, hands-on support. Babysitters who enable you to go to health appointments or out to the cinema or for a meal. Those who offer help around the home, or with finances.
Appraisal support: From people who love you enough to give you honest and constructive feedback about yourself; this type of support can only come from those who know you very well.
Informational support: Professional acquaintances such as doctors, lawyers, accountants, mental health professionals, clergy and more. They can share their expertise when you need specific advice and help you solve important problems.
Companionship support: These are your activity friends who make you feel socially supported and accepted through common likes and shared experiences of what you value in life. This could be a reading group, a church group, a men’s shed, a sports group, gardening, or environmental groups.
The benefits of social relationships
Gives us a sense of belonging: In a group we feel we belong, and it taps into our evolutionary tribal past where we all protected each other and felt safe together. No one wants to be an outcast, and feeling accepted is hugely important for our mental health as we thrive when we are. Real belonging keeps loneliness at bay, helping us feel we are never alone.
Gives us a feeling of self-worth: The feelings of belonging and acceptance by others, especially close friends, reinforce your beliefs that you are a good and valued person and increases feelings of self-worth.
Gives us feelings of security: When we have a supportive social network it increases confidence and security. There is comfort in knowing we can always access advice, guidance, support and motivation from others.
7 things you can do that strengthen relationships and your sense of connection and happiness
Supportive communication, which includes listening carefully with no other purpose than to understand another.
Trying to see things from the other person’s perspective and coming to a shared understanding of the world signals empathy, caring, respect, and support.
Active listening - letting the other know you are engaged and focused on what they are saying, without judgement. Show them you listened by checking you understand what they said, whether that is summarising or paraphrasing what they tell you.
Active constructive responding- enthusiastically engaging in a topic raised by the other person with follow on questions and genuine curiosity that help the other feel good about something they have shared with you.
Offer some self-disclosure about your personal life rather than relying entirely on impersonal topics, such as sport or music; this builds interpersonal meaning.
Listening without judgement also signals a willingness to be influenced – thereby making us, and our worldview, vulnerable to influence in a good way that strengthens bonds.
If we demonstrate an openness to change, we make our relationships even stronger.
Summary
Social fitness is committing to putting thought, time, and energy into your social relationships, whether deeply personal ones, occasional ones, work-related ones or familial ones. This is something that is very rewarding and is more likely to promote your happiness than just about anything else you could do in life.
References:
(2) Waldinger, R., 2015. What makes a good life. Lessons from the longest study on happiness.
(4) Diener, E. and Seligman, M.E., 2002. Very happy people. Psychological science, 13(1), pp.81-84.