It’s ‘time to talk’ month, and the easiest place to talk should be in our closest relationships, but for some, this is the hardest place to talk. More likely, people get stuck in what Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, called ‘the games people play’, unconsciously manipulating each other resulting in misunderstandings and arguments.

Transactional Analysis (TA) offers people an understanding of the way their own personality is influenced by their parents and their life as a child, and how this plays out when two people get to know each other fully and two individual systems come together. This blog simplifies the basics so that you can improve your communication.

The TA Model

TA proposes that when we interact, we do so from one of three different ‘parts’ of ourselves: A Parent, an Adult or a Child, referred to as our Ego States. Each state consists of feelings, thoughts and behaviours that have developed over our lifespan, influencing our adult personality.

The Parent Ego state is an imprint of our parents on us, an imprint of two extremes: their nurturing parenting, and their controlling parenting. How much nurturing did we witness or receive, and how much criticism, judgement, or control were we under. Both are with us to different degrees and will emerge in different situations as an unconscious imitation of a parent.

The Child Ego state is the spontaneous, creative, and emotional way of being you. The spectrum here is between the well-mannered and wanting to please ‘Adaptive Child’, and on the other end, a child who played, and cried without constraint, a ‘Free/Natural Child’. Again, both are within us to different degrees, but what emerges in communication depends on circumstances and experiences; do we try to please others too much, or do we play as we like when we like?

The Adult Ego state, which arrives with developmental maturity and works in the here and now, helps us to engage objectively with the world. In this state we are rational, logical, and considered, when we can find the words that we need to interact in a balanced and productive way. This is the part many people benefit from strengthening so that emotional reactivity reduces.

In basic terms, when having a temper tantrum, or playing with mates, or people pleasing, then the child ‘part’ is most active. When making judgements or showing care for others, then the parent ‘part’ is dominant, but when you are being logical, present, rational and considered, your Adult ‘part’ is operating.

How to tell what Ego State you are using

Pay attention to tone of voice, body posture, gestures, choice of words, and emotional state. If the tone of voice is soft and soothing, this is a sign that the speaker is using a Nurturing Parent ego state. If, on the other hand, the tone is harsh and critical or threatening, or there is pointing, then the speaker is probably using a Critical Parent ego state. An even and clear tone of voice, with a thoughtful nodding head, usually comes from an Adult ego state, while an especially cheerful or emotion-laden tone of voice is likely to be coming from the Free Child. The Adapted Child may sound either whiney or say what is expected of them. Ask yourself, am I being too emotional, too playful, too controlling, or too critical?

Communication is Transactional

The word ‘transactional’ refers to how each of our three ego states communicate, or transact, with another person’s three ego states; this is a model of interpersonal communication shown in Fig 2 below.

When both people communicate using their Adult mode, communication is smooth as both are rational, thoughtful, and respectful. In social situations, such as work or a social event, we tend to operate from Adult to Adult, with conscious restraint and politeness. Child to Child can be playful and fun. These are straight or complementary transactions. Complementary transactions are also when one person uses parent mode and the other child mode, for example, when my partner says “don’t put that there '' and I reply “chill out it’s ok” the communication is clear and straight and will continue on as a familiar predictable dynamic.

Things go wrong when transactions are ‘crossed’, when communication becomes confusing, unclear, and breaks down, as shown in Fig 3 below. This tends to happen when the Adult ego guard drops, and the different ego states begin to operate subconsciously and dynamically based on a person’s past relationship experience.

In the above example, the person in Adult mode is taken aback and the conversation can’t progress in a healthy or familiar way. They could keep in Adult mode, keeping calm saying “ I didn’t mean to rush you, take your time”. More likely it could hook them into an angry parental response “why do you always have to be so sensitive” and into an uncomfortable confrontation where communication breaks down.

Using Transactional Analysis in your life

By paying attention to different kinds of transactions, you can exert some control in conversations to make sure that communication proceeds in an honest, uncomplicated, straightforward way. Are you being overly critical of your partner, or being an irresponsible child? Neither is helpful in an ongoing dynamic and fuels irritation on both sides.

You can begin to change by deciding, for example, what kind of Parent ego state you would like to have and then practice using and developing that part of yourself. You can decide what ego state you would like to use more of and which one you might want to use less of. Would you like to use your Adult ego state more often? Or perhaps you use your Adult almost all the time, which can be boring, and would like to practice using your playful Child ego state.

Summary

TA is an optimistic model that says we are each responsible for our own future, regardless of what happened to us in the past. Yes, there is some ‘jargon’ to learn but once grasped it offers a chance for pause and reflection on what you said or did. If you see things in yourself that do not serve you well, transactional analysis provides some tools to help you change.

For more information:

Berne, E., 1968. Games people play: The psychology of human relationships (Vol. 2768). Penguin https://manchesterpsychotherapy.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/TA-Basics-Transactional-analysis-made-simple.pdf

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