How much do you enjoy your own company or the company of others?
When we don’t get what we need in life, mental wellbeing can suffer. Along with water, food and sleep, physical connection is essential to survival, and to thrive we need love and belonging. But, sometimes a bit of personal space is what we need.
The need for connection does vary considerably between individuals for a number of reasons, usually related to personality traits like extraversion and introversion, as well as how being with others makes us feel. For introverts, having many social interaction demands can feel stressful and draining, whilst for extroverts it can feel exciting and energising. But, feeling lonely or isolated can be experienced by everybody and can be a cause, or a result, of depression.
Our connection needs range from strong social connections at one end to solitude at the other end; solitude can be a pleasant state for some and an uncomfortable one for others. Beyond solitude we can experience loneliness. Becoming aware of what this range is and where we are on that continuum, can be really helpful in guiding us in what to do, so that we get our connection needs met and also manage the way this makes us feel. Putting words to how connected we feel, and noticing if this is enough, increases our personal awareness of what connection we need.
Try this exercise: Draw a horizontal line across a page and on the right hand side write a word that for you means social connection; this could be something like togetherness or closeness, but more importantly it’s a word that you identify with. On the left hand side, but about 2 cm from the end, write a word that for you means solitude; this could be privacy, seclusion or aloneness, but again whatever resonates for you. At the end of the line on the most left write loneliness.
Between the solitude and social connection ends of the spectrum, fit in some words that give a sense of connectedness along this continuum, for example companionship, being with, feeling separate etc. Take some time to reflect where you are today and where you may have placed yourself over recent times.
Having a sense of the fluctuation of feelings along this continuum and how content you feel with where you are, will give you an awareness of what you need so that you can change your connection with others to feel better. Whether that is calming it down towards reflective solitude and finding some peace and quiet, or ramping it up with some joint activity with others.
In contented solitude we can read, write and relax. In social connection we can arrange outings and activities with others, or do a zoom catch up or quiz if you live a long way from friends and family. If you live with others, play a board game, do a jigsaw or do some cooking together. There are projects to collaborate on within music and art and you can now even watch a movie with a friend on the phone or over the computer! Writing a gratitude letter to someone who made a difference to your life can be an uplifting way to be in solitude whilst reaching out to connect meaningfully with an important other.