Loneliness is very personal and different for everyone, and so the ways that help you feel less lonely and become more connected to others are also different. 

Why do we feel lonely?

Loneliness is an emotion and all emotions require us to move and do something; they are a drive to take action. The clue is in the word ‘E-motion’. Anger moves us towards confrontation and anxiety to run away from danger. Loneliness as a feeling is urging us to go and get what we are not getting - connection! It reminds us we are not ‘right’ when we are alone and something needs to change.

The problem is that we are not very good at recognising what the feeling of loneliness is seeking to change - it gets lost in the complexity of a state of mind that is thinking negatively about others and how we don’t fit in, and  makes it difficult to take action. 

On top of this, digital connections allow us to ignore the drive to meet people for real and replaces it with TV, radio and social media. Granted, these were indispensable in the pandemic, but there is no replacement for real connection. 

Feeling lonely in a crowd

Many of us live in bustling cities and go to busy workplaces yet sometimes it doesn’t matter how many people we are around, we can feel lonely in a crowd. When we don’t feel understood in a group, feel excluded and think others aren’t like you or don't like you, that you don’t fit in, then we feel less connected, more lonely and more isolated.

What keeps feelings of loneliness going?

One of the most difficult things associated with loneliness is how it can make you feel and think about yourself, undermining self-worth and confidence. This is largely due to the stigma associated with it in our society where being lonely is perceived negatively and which slips subtly into your thinking processes. It might be difficult to find any reason for your lack of connection other than no longer being wanted or needed in a social group or friendship.  

Feeling rejected by others hurts, and as a way of protecting ourselves from this pain we withdraw, but by withdrawing confidence is further damaged, feeding the cycle of low self-worth and feeling unwanted. This self-perception further feeds into a negative thinking pattern, lowering mood and self-confidence that reinforce a persisting sense of loneliness. Checking in with your thoughts will help you recognise and challenge these negative biases, and then you can alter them into something more helpful to you, for instance, believing that you do have value to others.

The antidote to loneliness: connection 

Connection is the most important antidote to loneliness but when I say connection I mean a meaningful connection to someone you feel able to be open with, and who you feel you could be yourself with. Often, someone with shared values, interests and hobbies can provide this, and sometimes it’s just gelling with a personality type. But, making the first steps takes courage, and surprisingly, just as much with the people who you already know.

What gets in the way of connection

As loneliness is so closely linked to low self-confidence and wanting to feel liked and needed by others, being vulnerable about feelings of loneliness and opening up to others can be extremely difficult as you may feel concerned about ‘burdening’ others and ultimately pushing the connections you do have further away. Yet, it is vital to remember we live in a world of assumptions about lives displayed on social media. The reality is many people are suffering in one way or another. It may not be loneliness, but perhaps different problems that you are unaware of, such as anxiety or depression. In the same vein, it is hard to expect friends to know how lonely you are if they don’t have a reason to suspect so. Without taking a deep breath and being as vulnerable and honest as you can when you need others, you’re not giving your friends or family the chance to help. 

Are you alone or lonely?

When being alone is a choice and you don’t feel lonely, this is a psychologically healthy place to be. Connection is not missing and you are happy doing what you do by yourself, connecting to other things you value and people when you need to. Being alone can allow you to reflect on yourself, your life and your plans and can develop personal strength.  

If you can see advantages to being alone and know when to connect with others, then mostly you won’t feel lonely. But being alone and feeling lonely is unhealthy and needs addressing.

Read more to find out 7 ways to connect and feel less lonely.